I meant to post this last night after you created the thread, but I saved my response:
It’s funny that write you about this because I’ve been depressed since the 5th grade (and for those of you don’t know, I’m 26) and it’s gotten much worse in the last few weeks. My current therapist theorizes that Asians don’t really consider or don’t believe in depression or mental disorders. My father is verbally abusive, so this really *edited*ed me over as I was growing up because 1) he didn’t stop because he thought I was just being lazy in school and that I don’t care and 2) my parents rarely sought help. I saw a counselor at school once in the 10th grade and then I started going to a psychologist in 11th grade and that lasted only a few months because I didn’t like her and how things were going. Since my dad thought I was just being lazy, he would call me names and insult me all the time and this just made me feel worse and my grades continued to be poor.
I’ve gone to counseling in college for two semesters, but it was usually late in the semester, so I didn’t get help for long. I just started again two weeks ago. I’m currently being evaluated for ADHD (I’m not hyperactive, but I am inattentive) and while the psychiatrist does see some elements of ADHD, the characteristics of depression and ADHD can coincide, so I have to do some stuff to help determine what’s what.
Anyway, ever since I was young, I’ve often thought about how I wish I wasn’t alive. I don’t think of killing myself and I have never hurt myself before because I find it scary and I don’t have a desire to die. But sometimes I kept thinking that if I died or something happened to me, my dad would realize how badly he treats me and maybe he’ll treat my siblings better. Lately, the thought of me no longer being here has been popping up in my head more frequently and I’ve been under a lot more stress than ever. Yesterday, I was supposed to have spent the day cramming for an exam that I was supposed to take today, but instead, I was sitting in the empty study lounge and crying. I ended up emailing my professor and explaining my situation about counseling and requested to withdraw from the course, which he is allowing me to do. [Note that “yesterday” was really Sunday and “today” is Monday. Like I said, I typed this up, but never submitted it.]
I deal with it by talking to my boyfriend and my Drs about it. I’ve also kept a journal since I was in the 5th grade (I think my mom kinda knew and she introduced me to the idea of keeping a journal), so I write down my thoughts there and less personal stuff on a blog. I used to keep it all bottled up, but in recent years, I’ve started to talk more to a few select people about it. As for your question about how long it lasts, it varies. For me, I’ve been this way since I was 10; we were going through some problems when I was young. I’m seeking help, though, so I’m hoping it will end soon.
I feel better today than I did yesterday (but still pretty down). Maybe I just needed to release some stress. I think I know how you feel. I oftentimes feel helpless, hopeless, and I have no motivation for doing things. However, my boyfriend, who has also been my best friend for years before we started dating, gives me support, and makes me feel like life is worth living. We are extremely alike and it’s taken us 8 years to confess how we felt for each other; we plan on getting married and I look forward to a life with him. Being depressed still makes it difficult to bring myself to do things because I lack focus and motivation (and there’s other stuff involved, like anxiety, but I won’t get into it), but that’s why I’m back in counseling.
You’ll find that something or someone that makes you feel the same way. You just have to be around for it.
That’s the end of what I’d written on Monday. Here is what I’m adding based on other people’s comments.
First, it’s not forever. You can get better, but don’t expect it to happen right away.
Second, don’t rule out the psychiatrists (or psychologists) as a resource when you’re feeling like this. I’ve seen five so far and while I didn’t like them all (but they weren’t bad), some of them are really helpful. The two that I’m currently seeing (one psychologist, the other a psychiatrist) are both Indian and as fellow Asians, they understand the *edited* that I’m being put through, which I think is awesome. I don’t have many Asian friends, so I don’t know many people who can relate. I can talk to my siblings, but we’ve all had different experiences growing up. I was telling my younger sister about my relationship with my dad a couple days ago. In the past, she has taken my dad’s stance on my behavior and it hurts because she couldn’t see what it’s like for me. Her childhood was different than mine and I think she’s my dad’s favorite kid, too, so she’s always gotten better treatment. Anyway, even if you don’t find someone who can relate to you personally, having a third party who’s not emotionally involved makes for a good listener. When I try to talk my problems out with a family member, rather than listening, they start telling me about events that happened, but from their perspective, or offer reasons for why things happened the way they did. Anyway, it really helps having someone who can relate to me culturally, but also not a friend or family member.
And lastly until I can think of something else, yeah, other people might be in worse situations than you, but that doesn’t mean that your depression isn’t valid. I can see why people say it, to try to cheer you up, but I hate that argument because it belittles YOUR feelings. I’ve dealt with a *edited* ton of verbal abuse ever since I was a little kid and not really much physical abuse, which I guess I’m lucky for, but my dad’s “parenting” has been a total mind*edited* and I’m stuck dealing with depression and anxiety. There’s lots of other *edited*, too, like I said before, but that’s the main stuff. Yeah, I’m fortunate that he’s not the kinda guy who beats his kids like some parents do or worse — or good thing I’m not poor or starving or whatever else people tell me I should thankful for — but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It sucks for the people who have *edited*tier problems than I do, but I still have problems and they are still there when I wake up the in the morning (or even while I’m dreaming, which is really annoying).
tl;dr – Your feelings are valid, you can overcome it, don’t let a bad experience with one doctor turn you away from counseling (srsly, wtf is wrong with that *edited*), and what if you kill yourself, but the next day was the day that things were gonna get better? You never know when it’s gonna happen, so hang around and find out.