Hey at least you know you have some kind of support group here. I think like a lot of people have already said that you know what problems you are struggling with, you said them pretty clearly in your first post and you need to deal with/face those problems to over come your sadness and depression. Right now you can’t see the forest for the trees. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because you are too focused on the darkness within.
I have struggled with depression and suicide thoughts, I never acted on them, because to me suicide is the single most selfish act there is on this planet. When I dealt with depression and those thoughts it was right after my girlfriend of four years had broken up with me. I played WoW for 7 days straight without sleep, on the 8th day my friend made me get out of my room and go get food, while there I asked some random douche to give me his quest because he had a gold exclamation point above his head. Yes my friends I was hallucinating because of lack of sleep, once I figured out what had happened, I finished my food, went back to my dorm and slept for the next 3 days. Before I went to bed I vowed to have a new lease on life when I woke up. I mulled it over while sleeping and I finally came to the realization that I did want to live, that I was tired of being depressed and that I would make the most of every day.
Not everyone will be the same, but one thing that I find is the same is the our minds are very powerful things, if we choose to do something and put our will power into it, most of the time it will get done. Same thing with depression you have to want to be done with it, you have to want to live, and you have to have the will power to get up every day and give it another go. I think everyone deals with varying levels of stress/depression about the future, money, love, etc. I had a mini-panic attack about money when I started adding up all the payments I would have to deal with when I graduated college, then I got a job and it all made sense, I don’t think in life we are ever given anything that we can’t handle.
I try to always live in the moment, we have too many things going on in every moment of our lives to stress about the future and the past. We can’t change what has already happened and we can only prepare for the future, it doesn’t mean we have to live in it!
Carpe Diem brother, stop fretting over the future and the past and live in the moment.
As for the girl, don’t feel like it is over, in a year she might dump that guy, keep being you, because odds are she likes you for who you are, this desperate *edited* of trying to kill yourself doesn’t look good to her, it looks just like what it is, desperate. You can still salvage your situation by being confident in you and finding the niche for your life that you need to express that. Although some girls have the “I need to fix you” syndrome, not all girls do, so if she has the choice between depressed suicidal boy and the other guy I think the choice is easy to make. Anyways, *edited* your friend for *edited* blocking you, that ain’t right, but you can’t dwell on that, have to move on and forward. Jealousy isn’t attractive, neither are the other traits you’re displaying right now.
TL;DR?
Carpe Diem, quit being a bee boo bee boo, find a new lease on life, live in the moment instead of the past and future.